mtm105
Well-Known Member
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
My son and his friends are great ...They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet, so now I have to shop for a new cat.
My psycho neighbor just invited me to her cat’s b-day party. Like I have time for that weirdo on the same day my dogs are getting married.
Keeping tic-tacs in your pocket lets people know you're more embarrassed of your breath than you are of sounding like a human maraca.
I bought theater food once. Long story short, my son will no longer be going to college.
The milk in my fridge went bad. It beat up my orange juice and started selling meth to all the condiments.
How dare you call me naive! I'd sue you for slander if I hadn't sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria. Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I don't know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with.
Whoa! Save some A's for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
Is it against the law for postal workers to smile or was it my audacity to mail something?
Sure, I'll cook dinner. How milky do you like your Captain Crunch?
Why do prescription pills always say "by mouth?" Where else would people put th….
Ooooooh.
The kids left with my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open.
"It's not what it looks like," I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
It's weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
What about a To-Don't List?
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would've enjoyed it.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I'd jump in front of a gently tossed beach ball for you.
I turned to her and said "We're all just seeking validation, aren't we?" She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
A cyclist told me to share the road, so I threw a piece of asphalt at him.
"I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I'll buy the store brand that's on sale instead."
The last thoughts of a man who's about to die.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they're in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Sharks don't like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
True love doesn't care about the look or size of your wallet, it's all about what is inside ..... the wallet.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
My son and his friends are great ...They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet, so now I have to shop for a new cat.
My psycho neighbor just invited me to her cat’s b-day party. Like I have time for that weirdo on the same day my dogs are getting married.
Keeping tic-tacs in your pocket lets people know you're more embarrassed of your breath than you are of sounding like a human maraca.
I bought theater food once. Long story short, my son will no longer be going to college.
The milk in my fridge went bad. It beat up my orange juice and started selling meth to all the condiments.
How dare you call me naive! I'd sue you for slander if I hadn't sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria. Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I don't know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with.
Whoa! Save some A's for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
Is it against the law for postal workers to smile or was it my audacity to mail something?
Sure, I'll cook dinner. How milky do you like your Captain Crunch?
Why do prescription pills always say "by mouth?" Where else would people put th….
Ooooooh.
The kids left with my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open.
"It's not what it looks like," I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
It's weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
What about a To-Don't List?
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would've enjoyed it.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I'd jump in front of a gently tossed beach ball for you.
I turned to her and said "We're all just seeking validation, aren't we?" She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
A cyclist told me to share the road, so I threw a piece of asphalt at him.
"I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I'll buy the store brand that's on sale instead."
The last thoughts of a man who's about to die.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they're in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Sharks don't like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
True love doesn't care about the look or size of your wallet, it's all about what is inside ..... the wallet.
