Needing some uplifting!!

[rocknblues]

Wow do I hate this. I disslike drama and generally try to avoid people who keep it stired up. However, I am certain that I am slowly loosing my mind to major mental problems. To the outside world, I have been able to keep my demons hidden. I have been an overachiever from day one and always have a smile on my face. But I have realized lately that I am a reeeeaaallly messed up individual inside. Until the past few months I have been able to rely on my ability to be a great parent. I am slowly starting to see myself as a burden... That my friends is the last straw.

Either a Doctor is going to help me (I just cannot fix myself - I have tried), or I am going for the ultimate vacation.

Hugs and kisses brothers! I'm not looking for any sympathy. I just had to get that off my chest.

 

[scat7s]

pretty vague.

i hope you get it sorted out. but please keep in mind, nothing ever stays the same, even the difficult times. it'll get better.

 

[kamran]

Messed up individual by who's standards? Let us pick yours brain for a little, brother. No sympathy. Just thought and opinions.

Edit: psychologists/psychiatrists are no joke. Its easy to laugh about the thought of opening up to a complete stranger who you're paying big bucks to, but they've helped me turn my attitude around in the past.

 

[CaptainZero]

but please keep in mind, nothing ever stays the same, even the difficult times. it'll get better.

This! Go see the doctor and be honest with them.

 

[rocknblues]

Shit guys I just had to blow off steam before I went home to my family. I am getting very clausterphobic. Small spaces and crowds (even in my own house) are starting to freak me out. I wake up sleep walking a lot now. My biggest desire is to just stand up, walk down the road and become a homeless person who doesn't mingle with the rest of the world. I'm afraid the demons of my childhood have caught me by the throat. I was molested a few times, my dad was physically abusive and my mother was a drug addict. I cry to think I would ever be less than a perfect father. i

On the outside I appear normal to the world. It's just not normal to want a fatal disease. At least that way, my kids wouldn't grow up thinking dad killed himself because of anything they did.

 

[scat7s]

well, im not usually one for "going to see the dr" for every little thing.

but this sounds like an exception is in order. just go talk, get that shit off your chest. smash his office up, whatever it takes. im not sure id take any scripts he offers though...unless its a xanax for when things get overwhelming. i wouldnt mess with anti depressents and that ilk....but thats just me.

and PS, you are not and never will be a perfect parent. get over it. im sure your light yrs better than what you were exposed to though, so take solace in that.

 

[poeman33]

No shame in asking for help. Make that appointment. Even your family doctor can prescribe some meds to help you through, even if you don want to go the psychologist route right now.

 

[kamran]

You want to be the best father you can be? Then don't go anywhere.

 

[rocknblues]

OK thanks guys. I'm a little better now. . Just needed to vent for now.

 

[33KHD]

You've established that something isn't right. That's got to be a step in the right direction.

Take the 2nd step and go talk to somebody about it.

Best of luck my brother.

 

[scat7s]

sometimes just finding something to take your rage out on can help. it helps me anyway...smash the f*ck out of something with a baseball bat till your hands hurt haha...preferably something inanimate.

 

[delstele]

Man I can relate to some of your up bringing my dad believed children should be seen and not heard.I was molested as a kid. We are all ****ed in the head in one way or another go see a good doc to help get your mind right support group's are a great place to divulge such information because they know what you are going through.

Do not take the easy way that is a cheap shot to your family! Trust me...

Like posted above things get better hang in their....Best of luck to you!

 

[33KHD]

OK thanks guys. I'm a little better now. . Just needed to vent for now.

Venting by typing to faceless people that care is one of the fringe benefits of this place.

If it helps...type away.

 

[crossroadsnyc]

The first thing that comes to mind for me is from a more selfish perspective, but maybe it'll make some sense. I hate to rank friends, but my '2nd closest' friend committed suicide just short of 7 years ago (gun to the head … good times) … in the time that he's been gone, one thing that always comes to mind is how much he wound up missing out on. For example, when Obama was elected, I was like 'wow, what a f'ing dumb-ass he was for killing himself … dude totally missed out on watching the first black president elected' … or like when new / cool technology comes out, and I'll think 'what a f'ing dumb-ass he was killing himself … dude will never know how cool this is'. I know that's a weird way to look at it, but if you cut your own time short, you're going to miss out on a lot of really ****ing cool stuff. Oh, and you'll also miss out on watching your kids experience really cool stuff. Don't be a f'ing dumb-ass like my friend.

 

[rocknblues]

The first thing that comes to mind for me is from a more selfish perspective, but maybe it'll make some sense. I hate to rank friends, but my '2nd closest' friend committed suicide just short of 7 years ago (gun to the head … good times) … in the time that he's been gone, one thing that always comes to mind is how much he wound up missing out on. For example, when Obama was elected, I was like 'wow, what a f'ing dumb-ass he was for killing himself … dude totally missed out on watching the first black president elected' … or like when new / cool technology comes out, and I'll think 'what a f'ing dumb-ass he was killing himself … dude will never know how cool this is'. I know that's a weird way to look at it, but if you cut your own time short, you're going to miss out on a lot of really ****ing cool stuff. Oh, and you'll also miss out on watching your kids experience really cool stuff. Don't be a f'ing dumb-ass like my friend.

I do appreciate that Cross. I have to admit something else... when my mom OD'd, life got a lot simpler for the rest of the family. I talk to my dad just a few times a year, and each time it just seams to bring me down. I could easily just cut bait with him and be that much happier. I have a struggle with a thought of ever becoming a burden to my Family (Like my parents were). That's my distorted mind saying "just go away and let them not suffer through your breakdown." . the good news? I AM going to a Doctor. I am calling one today for an appointment. I really need to break out of my tunnel vision.

 

[brp]

I talk to my dad just a few times a year, and each time it just seams to bring me down. I could easily just cut bait with him and be that much happier. .

Then do so, without hesitation.
I cut my Dad off completely about 7 years ago. It's great to be rid of him and never looking back again.

 

[GIBSON67]

Keep your chin up, life is not easy...but the world must need one of you, right now!

So go out there and change what needs to be changed and be happy with what does not need to be changed. And, one thing we all know since you posted this thread, is that you must be a really good father to have concerns like you do!

 

[Vinsanitizer]

Overachievement, workaholism, substance abuse - there are so many things that people use to attempt controlling outcomes. Controlling people often live inward, have many demons in the closet, have long-term relationship problems, and a plethora of other symptoms.

My feeling is that such behavior really requires one to go deep into all the crap that happened early in life, which helped us form these coping behaviors. We were taught that these behaviors are completely normal, when in fact, they are very destructive. They often provide immediate results, but the pipes of life will eventually clog.

May be time for some deep introspection, and willingness to confront many hurtful things of the past. I always say, you will know when healing begins when you start crying the most miserable tears you've ever felt, as the garbage in your soul begins to heave. This may sound ridiculous to many, but I've always found the Bible's New testament helpful, it gives great insight into the need for forgiving ourselves and others. Use whatever helps you.

It's amazing how sometimes even the smallest things can trigger a lifetime of self-defeating behaviors. Like me - at the age of 8 I got knocked to the floor while dancing at a wedding reception. Some big fatass adult knocked me down by accident, embarrassed the heck out of me, and to this day I will never dance on a dance floor. But these things all need to be faced and reconciled. It's a long road.

I've spent my whole life asking why other people, as well as myself, do the things we do, both good and bad.

 

[crossroadsnyc]

Overachievement, workaholism, substance abuse - there are so many things that people use to attempt controlling outcomes. Controlling people often live inward, have many demons in the closet, have long-term relationship problems, and a plethora of other symptoms.

My feeling is that such behavior really requires one to go deep into all the crap that happened early in life, which helped us form these coping behaviors. We were taught that these behaviors are completely normal, when in fact, they are very destructive. They often provide immediate results, but the pipes of life will eventually clog.

May be time for some deep introspection, and willingness to confront many hurtful things of the past. I always say, you will know when healing begins when you start crying the most miserable tears you've ever felt, as the garbage in your soul begins to heave.

It's amazing how sometimes even the smallest things can trigger a lifetime of self-defeating behaviors. Like me - at the age of 8 I got knocked to the floor while dancing at a wedding reception. Some big fatass adult knocked me down by accident, embarrassed the heck out of me, and to this day I will never dance on a dance floor. But these things all need to be faced and reconciled. It's a long road.

I've spent my whole life asking why other people, as well as myself, do the things we do, both good and bad.

I just had a similar experience a week ago, Vin. I had this girlfriend a number of years ago, but I completely messed things up w/her because it was during a time when things were not going very well for me personally. Our final time communicating was on good terms, but I had always avoided her block because it just kind of bummed me out a bit since it brought back bittersweet memories. Just last week I unexpectedly found myself walking down her block w/out thinking of it, and my first reaction was to turn around and walk an extra block around just to avoid it … but then I was like, no, I can't close off an entire block of the city just because of this … so I went and stood in front of the building for a minute, had a few good memories, and walked on my way. It felt good to finally leave it behind and open the block back up to myself.

 

[rocknblues]

Vin that's good stuff and right on point. I did have a trigger event - about 6 weeks ago one of my friends took his life after the Police seized his computer. Apparently my friend was a pediphile. a few other life events have happened since that also ignited my downward spiral. I also appreciate your reference to the good book. I take that as a sincere gesture.

Until my 3am nightmare, I'm out here Folks! . Go have a drink on me.

oh - my Doc's appointment is scheduled for Dec 23, 9:30 with Docter Meyer.